kartik kannan's space on the web

Of Chicks, Girls and Ladies…



When I sat next to Swati, my bench mate in Class 2 , I only knew that she was different in the sense that she had longer hair than mine and had a voice that was quite different from mine. Of Course in later course of time, thanks to half baked Biology lessons and the internet, one got to know much more about the mysteries of the human body and the 12 year old disguised secret that children come out of the bellybutton of the human Body. Even though there was more physics than chemistry Involved, in all my learning’s I learnt along the years that the female Psyche was so much more different and had various shades to it, just as the color Black is made up of 3 colors, namely Blue Red and Green, the female psyche has 3 colors to it, namely the Chick, The Girl and the Lady.



As I grew up , some intelligent guy said the proverb” Beauty lies in what you see and Perceive” and based on the study that has ta0ken me 23 years to figure out, Here goes my dissertation on Identifying the stereotypes playing the above mentioned Roles.



What makes a Female attractive? Is it the Chick Factor? Is it the Childish, Prudish, Girlish pranks or is the Ladylike divine maturity that they exude? Well a bit of everything and the selective amnesia that we have which makes we guy to focus on things that we derive maximum ROI(Return on Investment).



The Chick



Now these species are typically found all over the planet, thinking themselves to be Socrates who engineered a mastermind brain, but actually are a set of confused female species who basically embody 4 types of personalities.



Who they want to be?

Who they actually are?

Who they are the way others see them.

Who they are the way they see them (not being Honest).



The Chick, is actually a modern day rip off of the revered Kabir, whose 2 line Dohas are inscribed on their chests, more so in the humble aim of passing on Social Service Information that lies emblazoned along the accentuated contours of their chest, giving it a visibility that not even a 1000 square feet hoarding on Ranganathan street would give. Guys, the Loyal Clients that they are, always want to read the message that is being put forward to them, even at the risk of shamelessly staring directly at the Trigonometrically shape of a female’s chest. The Chick wants the guy to read it and pass a comment or two ,but would also get angry and uncomfortable if the guy takes a tad too long staring as he would eat into his time of complementing her. For the hunger craven,- Forcibly -Hormones -controlled-I –gotta-Settle-and-then-think-about-Girls Junta, this exercise of the eyes is a welcome respite from the monotonous hum drum of life, but little does the guy know that there is a very thin line to toe between staring and getting kicked/Respected.



The Chicks are out to prove their interest forcibly to the guys and the girls surrounding them, so that they become noticed and make a huge splash, with everyone talking about them, only to finally comment the politically correct and banal line “I Neither Believe in Gossip nor do I encourage it”.



The Chicks also believe in speaking whatever crap comes to their mind without screening their thoughts based on the audience that their oratory skills are being tested to. There are times when they are so busy figuring out what to do while they have no work, so that others feels that they are busy. The common “Chick-thing” is to run the fingers through their hair as if to show the guys admiring from behind the gateway to experiencing Bliss and while one hand is on the hair the other 5 fingers are busy holding a Gizmo mobile, speaking for eons on the mobile until the battery revolts and plays truant by ending the conversation. If incase both the hands are free, then one is spent on sending SMS and the other to hold the device.



So these class of girls are typically the types who want to make a splash in whatever they do, and when they make the splash, they expect the whole world to see and talk, but not gape as there is a hidden time out after which the girls resort to exercise the Indian legal law of Eve Teasing or harassment. They typically spend most of their time thinking about what they want others to think of them and how to bridge the gap between reality and a “wannabe”.



GIRLS



That’s the second class of Females who haven’t yet graduated, to be a Lady and have made the unconscious choice to be a girl because of their thoughts, actions and structure.

This is the typical class where a Mechanical engineer would hoarsely shout “Under Construction” and move on. An interesting characteristic of such species is that they would love to make a splash in the most silent way, so that people around don’t object to their splashing, but the girls would love to have people asking “oh my dainty darling” what a quiet jump and why so” .These Girls love to get attention but pretend as though attention is never their motive and they have other greater things in life to achieve like studying hard for the next days test or winning their managers appraisal by burning their midnight oil(or monitors) churning out hajaar lines of code.



Why Girls remain girls is as much a mystery to them as it is to Bush as to why he is called Stupid. The Girls typically are confident young things, who just lack the confidence to do things the “Chick “ does. They are a lot better than the chicks in the sense that they don’t get unrealistic but somewhere down the line, they make the twain meet by having similarities with the “Chicks”, by way of having lots of feelings towards the opposite sex, but get pretentious, when things move to the next level, by saying the clichéd Kuch Kuch Hota Hain Line “I have seen you only as a Friend” and subject the poor love lost boy to even asking him questions on which Color Rakhee should he tie. That brings an abrupt end to the story that was about to take off. After a few abrupt ill fated take offs, the GIRLS when they finally are about to graduate to a woman (in terms of getting married),play the safe line by marrying someone their dad’s choice, who ultimately happens to their dad’s friend, who dad could never corner in his childhood days and now going by the motto “ If you cant beat them , join them” attitude to establish his status.





Ladies :



These are the veterans who have gone through all of the above and decide to pass on their valuable knowledge to their daughters and nieces to coach them on various Do’s and Don’ts and warn their daughters with the all famous line “All guys just want one thing ***”

They are the veritable sources of information on who’s married whom and how A is flirting with B while B when contacted evinced His/her interest for C who apparently is out of a relationship with D, so just took a liking to A. These complex 4 dimensional equations are solved day in and day out by these class of Women. They also look forward to engaging in mutually beneficial discussions on how Radaan Chithi could have taken a lesson from the Bahus of Ekta Kapoor,opulent sob fest.



Sobfests and Saas-Bahu fests are the order of the season, as this seems a course that they are so much hooked on to, that the husbands would do anything to have them joining them in their mutual quest for amorous pleasure on the bed, even to the extent of not watching India Pakistan Cricket on ESPN and not watching Schumacher wheeling around.



In the evenings when the husbands are slated to arrive they decide to be a little pious and seek solace in the nearby temple, to pray to the lord almighty to grant their sons and daughters tickets to the US of A , get 99.9 percent in the rest of the exams, how to behave as if hormones and toys never existed, and keep a track on the latest software engineers who are nubile and ripe to graduate from being a chick/Girl to a woman.



In the spare time they divide between passing comments on the unfavorable section of Chicks and Girls to ward off competition for their kids, coaching them just as an Aussie coach would have you swear the butts about the opposition.



So that’s what my dissertation has analyzed about women apart from the fact that they can potentially be damn distracting, eat a lot of your time, make your moods vacillate up and down…make you believe that the liberty punch line “of walking in the air” and as some wise person said “cant live with them, cant live without them”. This article just explores the mind of the Indian woman in a sarcastic manner and is not intended to displease anyone, but is written taking into account whatever I have seen.



Bouquets or Brickbats on this are welcome.