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In Search Of Darkness



I have observed over a period of time, that my mind and body tends to feel more at ease and at home,whenever I face the dark skies on a star sprangled night.There are times I have prayed that the night should remain...and the sunlight should not come,while I was a kid.As I look back on this feeling of mine...I guess I have found some strange skeletons in the cupboard.

It all started with playing hide and seek with the neighberhood children,and only at night could I relatively assure myself, that I would not be blatantly caught.The fact that the evening skyline would not throw light and reveal that I was hiding behind so and so place would make me feel extra strong and would revel in the self pride as I Was Captain Prabhakaran or a Veerapan.

Then as years went by evening/night was the time I usuall spent at my Adayar house Corridor whiling away my time in the chill breeze that used to blow in the evenings.It was usually around this time that I used to do my reading and since there was peace all around (in terms of mother not bugging me to get up,check the water heater,do rounds of testing on my handwriting,homework...etc etc .

Even as I came back from school and games in the evening,all i did was just to relax myself by breathing in and out and feeling a surge going out of my thighs... in the relaxed and pleasant atmosphere of the night.As the feeling heightened...something close to what people call nirvana or a relaxed state of the mind would make me go into a world....and give me an all powerful feeling of "I can do anything and everything at night".

Slowly I graduated to higher responsibilities and higher classes and it reached a nadir when I was in Class 9. I couldn't fathom why people made axioms and theorems proving why the odd line if meets a circle would have a 90 degree angle...It any way made no sense to me..and Night times were the times when I would have a respite from Geometry Logarithms and other mundane mathematcial enemies.This period of the night was when I felt I had been freed from maths for the day ...and the night helped me in framing what i would Unofficially call the 101 reasons why badluck would go hand in hand with me when it came to proving theorems.It's another story that Murphy went ahead publised those laws..and since I Was busy trying to make the arranged marriage between Class 9 CBSE Math and me...I could'nt become famous...and those 101 reasons were ultimately called as "Murphy's Laws".

Thank goodness I was releived to an extent class 9 and 10 ..as I was able to figure out the geography of geometry and now that problem of numbers was history..kinda rooted out.But along came a new Problem like a killer virus ..that had signs of geometry with 6 sided figures also affectionately known as Organic chemistry..which gave me further sleepless nights and made my bond with the darkness of the night even stronger as there was some place I could hide and forget my worries about Chemistry.This obsession with Darkness made me an escapist who sought refuge in the arms of the beauty of teh night.Though the night never gave me a permanent solution it was a good friend ..who listened to me and spoilt me..by giving allegiance to many a "one night stand".

Then College happened and amidst lot of problems ...I again turned to night as a session where I did a CTRL -ALT -DEL ... on the mundane life during the day and used the night as a place to blurt out my opinions and feelings and the night was seemingly better than other friends ..as it never butted in through my thoughts,never stopped me in my tracks and never spoke against me.It listened patiently like a dear friend would...and suprisingly this quiet listening that the nght did also made me devise m own solution to the problem.

It made me feel asthough I had stolen a march over others as I Was working when the whole town was asleep...and generally in the movie's ..they'd show this to indicate how hardwork is percieevd and how a person came to the top...and I would envisage this feeling in the mind...and felt an awesome sense of pride whenever I sat and spoke to the dark midnight sky feeling that I was planning ahead of time.

What I actually didnt analyse was While I worked while the world slept, I also slept doubly long ,while the world was busy working (College particulary)...so the mastermind night talk with the Dark skies...was actually annulled by my acts of bravery while sleeping in the second row.

I felt even more great..when I sat through the night working and when I saw the dawn of the day..the sun rise from changing the skyline from a blackish red..to a greyish yellow to an orangish yellow...across the white blue sky.Add to it a couple of inspiring MP3 Tunes,while you observe this...and boy ! your day is made. Its not just that, its the only part of the day when I am at absolute peace with myself and tend to understand myself better,by spending time on analysing my day...and sharpening my virtual axe before I go off to chop trees the next day.The Night is when I also spend time with my first Love..my walkman ...who listens and inspires me to greater things at life.

Even though people may say. my love of the night may be a jump seeking respite and a CTRL-ALT-DEL from life...I only say..what's wrong in living in a make beleieve world of dreams that can keep your mood up though the day,as long as the annulling effect doesnt butt in.

So here I am in search of darkness or precisely more darkness to have more time with me ...envisioning my nightly activities with my mind to be like lighting a candle at night...which glows uniterrupted,fearless of the of the light of the day...which is more bright.It is this small candle light that enables me to quench my thirst of conquering the day.

Your's Inspiringly

Kartik Kannan