kartik kannan's space on the web

LIVING VS EXISTING


Its really amazing how much of a factor attitude plays in life….it is just the difference between living life and existing . For the past few months I’ve been just existing , not living life because I seem to have closed many avenues of life, just to make sure I have one channel running….. why? One might ask…its more so because of the insecurity involved in completing that task successfully,especially if one has’nt done something well previously . This way of just physically existing without any goals in life,over a long time could prove really dangerous to one’s career and I am in the process of learning that.

In these 79 days that I have stayed alone at Bangalore,I have realized that I just didn’t have the right attitude to live alone and live it responsibly. I ‘ve learnt day by day that whatever habits,Thoughts and strengths I had were like a drop in an ocean and there’s so much of myself that needs corrective action in many fields…may it be living alone and adjusting with the available resources and people around you,how muchever one detests them..I’ve realized this all too suddenly,when my lackadaisical attitude towards programming made me feel like an alien here and a fish out of water.The corporate world expects you to do things on time and there’s basically no one out there to protect you and advise you on what to do and what not to? And one bad impression could have a lasting effect on the whole career itself in terms of promotions.

In all these 4 years living with programming which “ I terribly hate “ and the various tasks involved in learning it …(as I am supposed to be a software engineer)…has made me take life with same approach as I would do with programming and tech stuff….and the insecurity created there has spilled over into normal life and hobbies and has made me what I am. Well looking at it now, life isn’t all that tough ,but one just needs organized and honest planning to lead it comfortably.I’ve probably derailed in this track of life ,simply because I haven’t found things going my way , the way I want it to be…and that disappointment stems from the fact that I tend to believe a person completely and when some one disappoints me I tend to take it a little too personal and feel a lot about why he/she had wronged me.So to say I am yet to find any friend who thinks on the same lines as I do and whom I enjoy being with…..I have many close friends…but some somewhere down the line if A has 15 good qualities ,he somehow tends to have a couple of qualities I just abhor……..but one has no choice to accept these things and move on as friends…… so the lack of an extremely close or caring friend..somehow has made life a little boring to live with. At this point there are probably only a handful….who would really be the guys to hang around with, or with whom I would be at ease……


Another cause for worry is that I generally prefer taking the first step,leading things and managing various activities.While organizing these things ,invariably I have found some rascal who talks behind my back or mocks…while I sit back and do the work….and surprisingly the crowd I have mingled in school and college have been of the type which prefers to sit back and relax and pass comments on the one who actually does the work. somehow or the other my enthusiasm in doing a work would be accompanied by jealousy or there would be some problem creator wherever I have been …and after some time that would affect the way I work. Take for example the college symposium ..which I was so glad to work for….that literally 90% of the planning and work was done by me before the symposium.I literally gave my heart out working 15-20 hours in a day …..and just on the day of the symposium a few lecturers and students decide to have their own spoiling every damn thing and then blaming me ….To add salt on the wound …they fail me in my labs…

So the environment and the people around have also contributed to me just losing that interest in life.So all these factors over a period of time have made my life not so interesting.Its like u trying to come up to the surface of water after being repeatedly being pushed and shoved around deeper by evil. As a result the confidence takes a beating and one tends to suffer mentally……and that’s what probably happened to me all these years.So something that I have learnt is that people are not meant to remain the same as they were,and yeah...now I have learnt to recognize and inoculate the sinners from the saints.


life in general is never as linear as the idle world is ……..but its for us to make it as linear as possible customizing it and tailor making to our requirements and not get turned off by the boulders …but to find ways of passing the boulder successfully. This lean patch of life has happened at a time when relatively ,one can still manouvere his way towards building his life, as I compare life currently like a wet cement mould that thickens as we grow older….the cement has’nt fully dried,so I can still make ramifications and corrections before the hardening takes place .So I am feeling happy that I could at least identify the source of problem (or rather debug it , as I am supposed to say)…and doing it in loneliness is even more satisfying .When I talk about loneliness..its the fact that I am away from suffering with none of my close mates nearby....and the song playing on my desktop just echoes my feelings at this point of .(SHAAN)

ankhon me sapne liye
ghar se ham chal to diye
jaane yeh raahen ab lejayengi kahan....
mitti ki khusboo aye(chennai ki.... :-) ) ,palkon pe aasoon laye
parkon pe reh jayega yadon ka jahan
manzil nayi hain.anjana hain karvan
chalna akela hain yahan.........

tanha dil , tanha safar,
dhunde dil tuje,phir kyon nazar....


I am all set to live life once again after being marooned on the sea of no hope (as in the cape of good hope in Africa ) Well on a technical note…I sign off ……hoping life works like this SQL query…….

DELETE sorrows FROM life UPDATE life SET failure_flag = "NO" AND success_flag = "YES" SELECT happiness, prosperity FROM life WHERE year >=2005 INSERT INTO life VALUES ("friends","dreams") GRANT smile TO all REVOKE enemity FROM all ALTER TABLE life add dreams CHAR(INFINITY)