kartik kannan's space on the web

Death

Death , of all human emotions teaches a person the maximum in terms of intensity of feelings and penitence.The first time, I encountered death of a close family member was when my Aunt was flown away by the flash floods in 1998.That is when I saw the seriousness of death and how much it meant to my cousin.Its been a source of irrepable damage and that incident has still left a lot of mental scars in his upbringing after that.To me, it was a shock, that made me sit up at nights and worry why people died,and how would they die.It was then that I saw , death could strike any time.It could be the moment of irrationality while on the road.It could be the carelessness of human nature,avoiding medical treatment and other easy routes to disaster.I was afraid when my parents used to return home late after work, a sense of insecurity tends to creep in days after an incident like that.It took some days to recover my first experience of death in the fanmily.I used to escape the very thought of death, by covering myself wrapped in the bedsheet, for the Chennai winter of 22-23 degrees :-) . That was my automatic cushion to escape any such scary thoughts of death,before the Chennai sun and the local madipakkam electricity board gave me enought uninterrupted light.

The second major incident was of course my grandfather dying last year.The day he died, I had just reconciled myself to the news that he wasnt there anymore, when at around 6 am, the local newspaper guy, came about delivering the newspaper ,when I quickly made a dash at the paper, more so by habit, and then to realise, as my uncle emotionally remarked, "dont hurry, Your Grandfather is no more going to compete with you for the newspaper headlines".My grandfather and I had this small cold war,where both of us were adamant in letting each other the first glance of the newspaper.He wanted a cursory glance of the headlines and the editorial,while I wanted a detailed sports news report in the few minutes I had before going to school or college.He won for quite a few years,but subsequently due to failing ear hearing problems, he couldnt hear the Newspaper cyclists's bell properly, so I won most of the times.I somehow had this innate pleasure of de-flowering the newspapers warm and folded virginality, and that explains why I still dont like anyone else laying a hand on my newspaper :-) .

Coming back to the phenomenen of death,My grandfathers death more so involved analysing what mental factors could have led to his heath problems and then getting back to the normal routine of work and life. Death of an extremely close relative is when the mind is filled with hallucinations,on replaying how could it have not happened and mind being filled with guilt.No other joy in life, now seems interesting or even worth laughing.I've had two such major deaths come this year in my life.When the first death happened,I felt like cursing myself and wept internally for not being around when it happened,as I was on a bus from Bangalore to Mangalore.My lovely moments with the deceased were thought on that journey through the night and I quickly gave up on my penitent thoughts,as I was hugely responsible for the death, and it seemed to be eating me from within.I got up in the morning,and saw the rising sun and seemingly took the matter in my stride,deciding not to worry about it further,even though I was reminded again and again of the sad incident on the STD public phone when I called home.

My friends, thought I was remorseless and careless,but it takes a certain mental level of maturity to not display your emotions to people who are by and large not remotely connected to you.My efforts at forgetting it, made me fel lighter for the rest of the trip.

The second major loss happened a couple of days back,when a rabid biker came and hit my bike on the side,when he did a mistimed swerve from the left of a corner road on to my stationary bike.I fell and in the jerk delivered, from behind, my closest confidant fell on the road, and was smashed to shreds immideatly by 2 company buses and a couple of cars.All I could do lying horizontal on the road was to see mutely my confidante being run over by the passing huge vehicles.It was too late, before I could go and gather the left overs.There is no worse feeling in this world than to see your confidante get knocked down and crushed right in front of your eyes, while you helplessly try to stop the vehicles running over.I was shattered.All my life's victories and losses are first shared with this confidante of mine,however lifeless she is.My Sony erricsson mobile's display is all screwed up,with scars of cracks through the mobile and other mangled remains of its backside.The first mobile"death" was that of my Motorola c650 handset,which somebody flicked from my pocket/or it fell down earlier this year.2 mobiles gone in a year and thats 22,000 of my money gone vanished into the air, and more than that, the lovely priceless monments I spent with my mute companions thats also gone.

I have to see if the mangled remains with a new display can still sustain the phone,else I would have to for the rather costly option of investing in an other phone,which would take easily a couple of months to save some money for it and then buy, as I have to save up quite a sum of money for my MBA applications in India and the International options. So , life's not that great at the moment with me going through a mini mourningof sorts every night,when I realise that my w550 Sony erriccson is lying but is lifeless like rape victim in coma.


When I see this, I get another doubt in my mind, which would be my next blog on whether, if the phone was a lady in my life and an accident criplled her for life, would I abandon the lady and go for a new marriage, considering that she is crippled for life,and I need a married life?

Some food for thought, till next time...when I compose a blog based on the above topic.Any similar feeling can be echoed to me in my comments box below.