Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Rakhi

Rakhi – the very mention of the festival means a virtual impending bombshell in the waiting, as disastrous in scale as Hiroshima and Nagasaki in terms of impact. The Hiro shima and Nagasaki bombings anniversary falls on the 7th and 8th of August, the day after ( 9th August) that is the more desi version of a blast that is felt in the heart.

Rakhi has for long been seen through the eyes of Marketers, Ekta Kapoors and the 4 word Hindi films (with an extended family, and no villains and scores of songs) and has been eulogized to be the epitome of Indian emotions when it comes to the personal celebration of a brother and his sister. No one actually sees Rakhi through the eye and the psyche of the Indian male, who has undergone this emotional torture every year.

Lets talk about guy 1, who has a cute little sister called girl 2, both less than 12 years old Guy one after all the verbal quarrels decides to see his calendar and see that its patch up time with little or elder sis, and is forced into proclaiming ceasefire, partly cajoled into the new promise his parents gave him, for buying the next superman dress. The guy, now with a sense of glumness and outward glee, buys a gift which he hides behind his butt, and wishes his sister a happy “Rakhi day” and stands through the moments stoically when the sister ties the Rakhi around his wrist, and waits for the sister to finish what would be his promise to protect her. and blah blah blah…. And finally when the sister ties the final knot on the wrist, the brother sheepishly moves his hidden hand from behind and gives the sister a present, to which the sister reacts like the ubiquitous Miss world on winning the title, with a “oh , he’s so chweet….” hand on cheeks, about –to-shriek images, which supposedly show the girl’s surprise at the brother giving her a gift. This act of “I am surprised” is repeated every year, monotonously much to the chagrin of the guy, who sports a “Been there done that” look and caves in meekly to the sisters demands of the desired gift.

Now if a guy had many sisters, the no of bands on his wrist probably showed how deeply mired the guy was with his pocket money being to spend for more distaffing purposes. Apart from his own – kith –and –kin sisters, the guys found the “mohalle ki ladkiyan” who would be raring to tie the band, in order to improve the ROI(Return on Investment) on the 12 rs band that they had painfully invested. The guy didn’t mind flaunting all the 7 colors on his hand, sometimes even putting regional heroes like Ramarasan (Tamil) or Govinda (Hindi) to abject shame when it came to color combinations. So the poor guy, would have tied rachis to some one without even knowing the fact that the girl who tied him a Rakhi Bandhan could actually be a probable person “worth-hitting-on” a little later when they pass class 10 Biology. That precisely is the innocence of childhood.

Now that was the 90’s Bhaiyya types and with the ushering of the new millennium some thing had to change. And it did. Rakhis were no more the colorful 12 Rupee wrist bands but as the guy grew up , he too realized that the Rakhi was no more a band, it was a statement of rejection by a girl to avoid a guy stalking her. If a girl gave a guy Rakhi, a guy would now invent a 101 reasons to avoid that, as a Rakhi over his hand would be like using the plant mower to cut the sapling of platonic love. The girls too realized that as they grew up and became physically well endowed, the guys who ogled too much and who gave the girls their “peer” celebrity needed to be give something in return so that the guys would stop all the star gazing and would allow the other guys waiting in the line to show their wares. Poor guys, they would wait for a day in the sun , like starved folks in the ration shop , with the refrain ” Mera number Ayega”, patiently. The girls just wanted quantity here in seeing all the guys and the rejects would be awarded the snoot, and if the rejects started to push for one more round of examination, the girls gave them the ultimate curse, being drunk with the power of a 12rs Bandhan, which negated any ideas of a life time Bandhan , that the guy nurtured. Well the rejects would roughly comprise about 85% of the guys in the locality, college and friends from Orkut.

The rest 15% of the guys who were successful in getting a smile from the girls would assume victory and would brag to their fellow mates about their exploits when nothing had happened. Some thing like if the girl smiled at them, the guys would bloat that up to their friends that the girl had invited them for a date, and if the former had happened the guy would bloat that the girl was ok with a 1 night stand and so on … Girls being the sensitive folks that they are would never want their meetings with the guys to lose the clandestine touch and would never want other guys to know about their personal affairs with another guy. So at this stage guys who fart a lot get rejected by 2 means. One would be the girl calling the guy like this . Pooja calling Vineet “ Hi Rajiv sweety, I miss you da” . That’s it, any guy with a certain ounce of shame would keep the phone down, but still after reading Shiv Khera’s and Paulo Coelho’s books, some guys don’t wanna say die , and they correct the girl saying “ Hey Pooja, looks like you dialed my number instead of Vineets. Is my number so etched in your memory, that in every guy you see only me? …Is’nt that smart? Well, the girl would live to fight another day,before giving the guy the pink slip.

The girl would suppress her anger in not turning off the guy and would pretend as though nothing had happened and would go on yacking as before the guy bowls another verbal full toss which the girl would try to have him in a gaffe. After a couple of such litmus tests, the girl would evaluate which of the guys to keep in her flirt list, sms list and orkut list. The people who don’t make it here are given the PINK SLIP on D-day in the form of a Raksha Bandhan. The knot the girl tries to put around the guy is seen by the recipient as a noose that cuts him of from the girls world. The ostracized guy would look at the guys in the flirt and sms list and try and help the girl narrow down her choices, by helping her as a Bhaiyya to reject some of his erstwhile competitors.

Finally after many rounds of Barista’s, Pizza Huts and jamming mobile networks with mushy messages and one more year till the next Rakhi comes, the competition goes on parallely and the girl does a master stroke in giving a sugar coated message to the folks who lose out at this stage by giving a more glitzy Rakhi .

The elimination process goes on like this

You as Rajiv would be like the bed time story. She can't live without you.And don't be mistaken. You are not her boyfriend yet, as she is delaying your confirmation to that grade , but you are allowed to take her little doggie for a walk along Besant nagar beach,so that the doggie gets some fresh air . Rajiv for Shopping, Rahul for Movie. Sameer for Coffee, and Rakesh for sms. Wow now that the portfolios have been allocated and the results are awaited with unabated breath.
Rajiv is now sure that he should go ahead and propose. After a 101 mock proposals in front of the men’s rest room, Rahul decides the best three pick up lines and calls his friend pooja

Rajiv: Well Pooja, I just thought….. (the adams apple goes down twice)
Pooja: Thought……what … a Movie ?
Rajiv: Hmm….Something like that for a longer period of time.
Pooja: U mean sequel of movies?
Rajiv: Kinda yes Kinda no, its like a movie alright, with the hero and the heroines being us.
Pooja: (Now knowing that the ball is in her court) Err.. what are you saying, I never seem to understand your inner thoughts….sheesh..that had to happen, when were we on the same wavelength anyway? Be a bit more clear na
Rajiv: (Huge emotional Thud on hearing “sheesh..that had to happen, when were we on the same wavelength anyway?” ) I mean u me getting hooked (with a despondednt tone)Pooja: "But I thought we were just friends.(As in KKHH “maine tumhe us nazariye se dekha nahi)We should remain friends for life, and know what you are my best buddy and the problem is actually I have a boy friend.Sameer you know that don’t you ?"Rahul: What?? #$%& (cursing sameer).

So after finalizing on three BEST BUDDIES with giving them 75rs Rakhi’s whose glitz and colour is supposed to quench the sadness of their proposal being rejected, the girl goes on to the next single guy, who she either proclaims as a boyfriend or starts the rakhi thread process all over again, If she is not satisfied with the quality.

So that’s what Rakhis have come to be these days, from experiencing lovely sibling emotions to a mud slinging male female battle. Now my kid sisers have decided to tie their rakhi’s fo the fist time tommorow and I marks a debut of sorts for them.The onlyb thing I would have them hear is “PLEASE DON’T GET A BEST BUDDY”

So what are the lessons single males should be learning from the Rakhi experience?

Thou shall not ogle at females tomorrow
Thou shall not pick up a call by a female tommorow.
Thou shall only code and not call the adjacent girl for coffee.
Thou shall use the hands for better male purposes :-) and not for Rakhi

1 comment:

vi said...

So sweet :)


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